Writing Under The Willow

Hello everyone! It's very easy for me to say that in recent months I have become more visibly emotional, sometimes more emotional than what I would like to let through. I  acknowledge that I have become much more assertive of how I'm feeling and when there is a build up of stresses I have been prone to snapping or breaking down in front of people. On reflection, I very quickly come to regret these outbursts and pin the blame for them on other things such as "I'm sorry for getting so worked up about that", I didn't want to make you uncomfortable", "I don't know what came over me" and "I think stress got the better of me there", all to keep the peace amongst those around me as I've always tried to be a people pleaser due to the fear of conflict and upsetting other people. The more I think back on times I've apologised for things like this, the more I learn that I'm not only saying sorry for what I've done, but I'm also apologising for the simple fact that something upset me. In order to protect other people's feelings, I've actually ignored and belittled my own and by doing this I've taught myself that the only feeling that's acceptable for me to have is to happy or to feel nothing at all.

 I'm no longer accepting the way I've been treating myself.

Yes, I will still apologise for the product of my emotional outbursts. The difference is that this time, I'm not going to apologise for having the simple human function of feeling. I may say things I don't really mean when I'm angry, for example, however I'll apologise for what I've done while keeping the validity of my emotions intact. Once I am calm I can then explain how I feel with a more rational approach. If I make myself believe that what I feel is wrong, how will I ever learn to accept who I am? What I am? What makes me unique as a person?

Nobody can tell you that your natural, emotional, and physical response to something is wrong (lets exclude the more illegal circumstances before anyone mentions Hitler). If you feel like you're going to cry, it's okay. If something makes you feel physically ill, that's okay too. If something makes you feel happy or fuzzy or excited, that's wonderful! It's all part of the human experience. It's all part of discovering who we are as people, and emotional response plays a big part in that. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, embrace your ability to feel. You are allowed to respond to the world your way. Your emotions are valid. 

((I wrote this with a stream of consciousness, apologies if it gets quite jumpy or confusing)) 


(This post was written while listening to "I Used To Do" by Clogs. It's a very beautiful piece I discovered this morning on Spotify.)

As many others are, I am soon to be leaving high school.

Part of me, sadly, can't wait for it all to be over. With many twists to life, relationships, and circumstances, it feels like the only thing to help me to move on is to leave. However, the other part of me is a little bit sad, scared, even. I never wanted to feel like this coming up to my final days. I'm scared of leaving a part of my life behind that I can never return to.

In fact, it's not just school I'm scared of leaving behind. I'm leaving home.

For university of course. Something which I'm both thrilled and nervous about. It's opened up my emotions and spilled all my tears at the same time. Both happy and sad, but usually sad. I'm trying to cling on to the moments of my life that I've always taken for granted because I've realised that things may never go back to the way they once were once I move out. I'm leaving everything and everyone I hold dear to me, and I'm sure when I arrive at my new destination my new life will have many amazing memories to follow; but for now, I feel like a little (or a lot) of mourning is required. For this new journey is one I have to throw myself into the deep end for. I'll be leaving the comforts of my own home, my family, my friends, my boyfriend. I know I'm going to miss it all, I miss them already and I've not even left yet.

Okay so back to where I left off. I know that I'm going to come back home to see everyone when I can, and I know if I get homesick they're all just a phone call away, but there's more to just missing people. It's what you miss when you're not there, it's who takes your place once it's free (my four brothers are already trying to convince my mum why they should be the one to have my room). I know this feeling is one on both ends, I've had many discussions about it already. I think all I can do really is make the most of the time I have with people while it's still in abundance, or, some sort of abundance since I still have exams.

I feel like being able to have these fears visibly in front of me as I'm writing helps a lot. It's allowed me to accept my fears, but also turn them around. Instead of fearing for my future, I should embrace it as it comes. Nobody is rushing me to leave, and this new stage in life is only temporary - just like my high school years have been. In fact, if all goes well, it will be the exact same duration. By then I'll probably be worrying about the next chapter in my life, a bit like how I am now. It's scary because its unknown, like how everything is at first, so why turn down the opportunity to experience something that's came out of the hard work that was to lead me to this goal? I'm moving because it's going to bring me one step closer to my dream job. Surely what's happening now is something I should feel very happy about. Life may change, but those we love and those who love us will always be there for us. Distance and time doesn't matter.

I'm very grateful to everyone who has pushed and supported me so far. I couldn't have asked to be surrounded by anyone greater. I couldn't be here without you. Thank you.

"It's time to say goodbye, but I think goodbyes are sad and I'd much rather say hello. Hello to a new adventure." - Ernie Harwell