Writing Under The Willow

Hello everyone! It's very easy for me to say that in recent months I have become more visibly emotional, sometimes more emotional than what I would like to let through. I  acknowledge that I have become much more assertive of how I'm feeling and when there is a build up of stresses I have been prone to snapping or breaking down in front of people. On reflection, I very quickly come to regret these outbursts and pin the blame for them on other things such as "I'm sorry for getting so worked up about that", I didn't want to make you uncomfortable", "I don't know what came over me" and "I think stress got the better of me there", all to keep the peace amongst those around me as I've always tried to be a people pleaser due to the fear of conflict and upsetting other people. The more I think back on times I've apologised for things like this, the more I learn that I'm not only saying sorry for what I've done, but I'm also apologising for the simple fact that something upset me. In order to protect other people's feelings, I've actually ignored and belittled my own and by doing this I've taught myself that the only feeling that's acceptable for me to have is to happy or to feel nothing at all.

 I'm no longer accepting the way I've been treating myself.

Yes, I will still apologise for the product of my emotional outbursts. The difference is that this time, I'm not going to apologise for having the simple human function of feeling. I may say things I don't really mean when I'm angry, for example, however I'll apologise for what I've done while keeping the validity of my emotions intact. Once I am calm I can then explain how I feel with a more rational approach. If I make myself believe that what I feel is wrong, how will I ever learn to accept who I am? What I am? What makes me unique as a person?

Nobody can tell you that your natural, emotional, and physical response to something is wrong (lets exclude the more illegal circumstances before anyone mentions Hitler). If you feel like you're going to cry, it's okay. If something makes you feel physically ill, that's okay too. If something makes you feel happy or fuzzy or excited, that's wonderful! It's all part of the human experience. It's all part of discovering who we are as people, and emotional response plays a big part in that. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, embrace your ability to feel. You are allowed to respond to the world your way. Your emotions are valid. 

((I wrote this with a stream of consciousness, apologies if it gets quite jumpy or confusing)) 


(This post was written while listening to "I Used To Do" by Clogs. It's a very beautiful piece I discovered this morning on Spotify.)

As many others are, I am soon to be leaving high school.

Part of me, sadly, can't wait for it all to be over. With many twists to life, relationships, and circumstances, it feels like the only thing to help me to move on is to leave. However, the other part of me is a little bit sad, scared, even. I never wanted to feel like this coming up to my final days. I'm scared of leaving a part of my life behind that I can never return to.

In fact, it's not just school I'm scared of leaving behind. I'm leaving home.

For university of course. Something which I'm both thrilled and nervous about. It's opened up my emotions and spilled all my tears at the same time. Both happy and sad, but usually sad. I'm trying to cling on to the moments of my life that I've always taken for granted because I've realised that things may never go back to the way they once were once I move out. I'm leaving everything and everyone I hold dear to me, and I'm sure when I arrive at my new destination my new life will have many amazing memories to follow; but for now, I feel like a little (or a lot) of mourning is required. For this new journey is one I have to throw myself into the deep end for. I'll be leaving the comforts of my own home, my family, my friends, my boyfriend. I know I'm going to miss it all, I miss them already and I've not even left yet.

Okay so back to where I left off. I know that I'm going to come back home to see everyone when I can, and I know if I get homesick they're all just a phone call away, but there's more to just missing people. It's what you miss when you're not there, it's who takes your place once it's free (my four brothers are already trying to convince my mum why they should be the one to have my room). I know this feeling is one on both ends, I've had many discussions about it already. I think all I can do really is make the most of the time I have with people while it's still in abundance, or, some sort of abundance since I still have exams.

I feel like being able to have these fears visibly in front of me as I'm writing helps a lot. It's allowed me to accept my fears, but also turn them around. Instead of fearing for my future, I should embrace it as it comes. Nobody is rushing me to leave, and this new stage in life is only temporary - just like my high school years have been. In fact, if all goes well, it will be the exact same duration. By then I'll probably be worrying about the next chapter in my life, a bit like how I am now. It's scary because its unknown, like how everything is at first, so why turn down the opportunity to experience something that's came out of the hard work that was to lead me to this goal? I'm moving because it's going to bring me one step closer to my dream job. Surely what's happening now is something I should feel very happy about. Life may change, but those we love and those who love us will always be there for us. Distance and time doesn't matter.

I'm very grateful to everyone who has pushed and supported me so far. I couldn't have asked to be surrounded by anyone greater. I couldn't be here without you. Thank you.

"It's time to say goodbye, but I think goodbyes are sad and I'd much rather say hello. Hello to a new adventure." - Ernie Harwell

Hello again! I've got a couple of other posts half written but I found out today that I was very kindly nominated by Anne for a Liebster Award (or 'Lobster Award' as she likes to call it ahaha)! Thanks very much Anne for nominating me and if you haven't already, give her blog a read. :)

1. As a new blogger, how would you describe the welcome you received from the blogging community? 


Considering when I first started up my blAs explained in my previous blog post, the most recent answer is that I want to have a medium where I can record and look back on events, experiences, and thoughts that I have throughout life. I wanted to find a way for me to remember what is happening in the here and now so that it can remain as a memory instead of something I'll eventually forget.og, I had started with a few of my friends who also went into blogging, I think the welcome was very lovely and homely. It's always great to have your friends support and encouragement. ^^


2. What was it that made you want to start blogging? 

As explained in my previous blog post, the most recent answer is that I want to have a medium where I can record and look back on events, experiences, and thoughts that I have throughout life. I wanted to find a way for me to remember what is happening in the here and now so that it can remain as a memory instead of something I'll eventually forget.


3. Describe your favourite blogger(s) and why? 

Very honestly, I can't say I have any favourites yet as I'm still pretty new to the whole blogging thing and still have many blogs to discover. However I do enjoy the blogs that all of my friends have as they all have their own style which is great to see through the way they write and through what they write about.


4. Who is your biggest inspiration (not specific to blogging)?

Creative inspiration? Probably Melanie Martinez. I love her aesthetic and the imagery she uses in her songs and music videos. She's not afraid of being herself keeping true to that. Her style is fun and playful but she also puts a lot of meaning into what she creates and is never afraid to put herself out there. I admire that.


5. If you were to write a novel, what would it be about? 

I'd probably like to write a fantasy novel if anything. An alternate universe where I can immerse myself in the mythical and ethereal natures of that world whenever reality is getting a bit too much to handle. Not entirely sure of the plot though.


6. What is your biggest fear? Do you think you could ever overcome it?

Most recently I've figured that having absolutely no control over what happens in my life is terrifying. Probably that and when I think a lot about how fast time goes. Sadly I can't really overcome the first one, I just need to see how things play out. For the second, I suppose I just need to be more aware and appreciative of the present.

 
7. What are a few of your favourite things?

Sunshine, feeling excited, hugs, Once Upon A Time, music, sharing special and meaningful moments with people I care about.

 
8. Apart from blogging, what else are you up to these days?

Watching and playing Pokemon, singing...a LOT, volunteering at a youth club and hospital, having a laugh with friends and going on walks with my boyfriend. Oh, and studying...yeah...that's always fun.


9. Do you have any blogging aims? 

Not really? Just to enjoy blogging and having a place to record my thoughts.


10. What is the one thing you wish people knew about you? 

For some people, it would be that I'm not as stupid as I seem sometimes. For others, it would be that certain successes doesn't mean I know everything. I am not held to any expectations. I am me, and what happens to me is not a fate or pre-destined venture; it is the result of my efforts, and sometimes I'm allowed to mess up and feel upset too. I'm not a robot.


11. Have you ever been in love? 

To be honest, I cringe at talking about my feelings with this stuff, and I don't feel like I'm the best at expressing it, especially publicly. However, if being in love is what I think it is, then yeah I am.

That's about it! Now to nominate bloggers:

DawnSleeper - Rachel
Accidentally Plutonium - Charlotte
Don'tBurstMyBubble - Marianne
Faith, Love And Aspirations - Amber
The fifth nomination goes to anyone reading this with under 200 followers! Give it a go :)


These are the rules for anyone who gets nominated:

♡ Thank and link the blogger who nominated you
♡ Post an image of the award  on your page
♡ Answer the 11 questions that the blogger who nominated you has asked
♡ Link 5-11 blogs that have less than 200 followers
♡ Create 11 questions for them to answer
♡ Notify the blogs via their social media sites

1. What is your favourite thing about blogging and the blogging community?

2. What inspires you most when writing a blog post?

3. What has been the highlight of your 2016 so far?

4. When do you usually write your posts? Morning, afternoon, or night?

5. If you could repeat any moment of your life, what would you repeat and why?

6. If you could travel to anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?

7. If you could have dinner with any 3 people in the world, who would it be?

8. If you could go back in time and tell your younger self something they will always remember, what would you say?

9. Have you experienced heartbreak? Romantic and/or platonic?

10. What was your childhood career goal? Has it changed since then or remained the same?

11. Any favourite music artists? Or genres in general?






 

Long time no see.



After a long hiatus and a line of excuses as to why I've not been making blog posts, I've decided it's time to finally start consistent blogging (hopefully). Now this may not be every day, or every other day. I might not even manage once a week, but I'm going to certainly try as often as possible to create a thought bank again that I can hopefully look back on later in life and say, "oh, that was a thing".

Now I know I'm not the best writer and I'm certainly not the most creative in any way, but after a very emotional few weeks I've realised that all these events that I feel are important to me now will very soon become mere memories, and knowing how forgetful I can be, I might not remember them at all  eventually. In fact, I've often told myself since I was little "one day I won't remember that this day even happened". It took me a few free periods in school reminiscing with a primary school friend of things which happened when we were tiny (not that I'm much taller now), to realise how important these memories are to have. Everything which has happened before is a part of what has made us and although it may seem contradictory to a previous post about living in the present, sometimes it's good to just take a step back and just acknowledge our stories so far. A bit like my love for Friends - I've already watched the episodes, but no matter if I've watched an episode once or one hundred times, it still makes me happy and I still get a giggle from it - and memories can do the same.

Fair enough, some memories aren't always happy and sometimes we do wish we could just erase it from our lives (or at least forget it ever happened) but some day, we may be able to laugh from them, learn from them, or at least gather an appreciation for our circumstances now if they're no longer as bad as they used to be.

That's why I'm going to give it my best effort to start blogging again. I'm no longer going to hope that I remember things in the future, because I know I'll forget. I've tried and failed for years to retain my memories with no other aid, and so, without making things too personal (that's for my other goal to start writing diary entries) I'm going to try catching the moments of my life as they fall from the metaphorical willow I created for my blog name because it sounded nice.

Hopefully see you again soon (sort of).