Writing Under The Willow

Hello everyone! It's very easy for me to say that in recent months I have become more visibly emotional, sometimes more emotional than what I would like to let through. I  acknowledge that I have become much more assertive of how I'm feeling and when there is a build up of stresses I have been prone to snapping or breaking down in front of people. On reflection, I very quickly come to regret these outbursts and pin the blame for them on other things such as "I'm sorry for getting so worked up about that", I didn't want to make you uncomfortable", "I don't know what came over me" and "I think stress got the better of me there", all to keep the peace amongst those around me as I've always tried to be a people pleaser due to the fear of conflict and upsetting other people. The more I think back on times I've apologised for things like this, the more I learn that I'm not only saying sorry for what I've done, but I'm also apologising for the simple fact that something upset me. In order to protect other people's feelings, I've actually ignored and belittled my own and by doing this I've taught myself that the only feeling that's acceptable for me to have is to happy or to feel nothing at all.

 I'm no longer accepting the way I've been treating myself.

Yes, I will still apologise for the product of my emotional outbursts. The difference is that this time, I'm not going to apologise for having the simple human function of feeling. I may say things I don't really mean when I'm angry, for example, however I'll apologise for what I've done while keeping the validity of my emotions intact. Once I am calm I can then explain how I feel with a more rational approach. If I make myself believe that what I feel is wrong, how will I ever learn to accept who I am? What I am? What makes me unique as a person?

Nobody can tell you that your natural, emotional, and physical response to something is wrong (lets exclude the more illegal circumstances before anyone mentions Hitler). If you feel like you're going to cry, it's okay. If something makes you feel physically ill, that's okay too. If something makes you feel happy or fuzzy or excited, that's wonderful! It's all part of the human experience. It's all part of discovering who we are as people, and emotional response plays a big part in that. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, embrace your ability to feel. You are allowed to respond to the world your way. Your emotions are valid. 

((I wrote this with a stream of consciousness, apologies if it gets quite jumpy or confusing)) 


(This post was written while listening to "I Used To Do" by Clogs. It's a very beautiful piece I discovered this morning on Spotify.)

As many others are, I am soon to be leaving high school.

Part of me, sadly, can't wait for it all to be over. With many twists to life, relationships, and circumstances, it feels like the only thing to help me to move on is to leave. However, the other part of me is a little bit sad, scared, even. I never wanted to feel like this coming up to my final days. I'm scared of leaving a part of my life behind that I can never return to.

In fact, it's not just school I'm scared of leaving behind. I'm leaving home.

For university of course. Something which I'm both thrilled and nervous about. It's opened up my emotions and spilled all my tears at the same time. Both happy and sad, but usually sad. I'm trying to cling on to the moments of my life that I've always taken for granted because I've realised that things may never go back to the way they once were once I move out. I'm leaving everything and everyone I hold dear to me, and I'm sure when I arrive at my new destination my new life will have many amazing memories to follow; but for now, I feel like a little (or a lot) of mourning is required. For this new journey is one I have to throw myself into the deep end for. I'll be leaving the comforts of my own home, my family, my friends, my boyfriend. I know I'm going to miss it all, I miss them already and I've not even left yet.

Okay so back to where I left off. I know that I'm going to come back home to see everyone when I can, and I know if I get homesick they're all just a phone call away, but there's more to just missing people. It's what you miss when you're not there, it's who takes your place once it's free (my four brothers are already trying to convince my mum why they should be the one to have my room). I know this feeling is one on both ends, I've had many discussions about it already. I think all I can do really is make the most of the time I have with people while it's still in abundance, or, some sort of abundance since I still have exams.

I feel like being able to have these fears visibly in front of me as I'm writing helps a lot. It's allowed me to accept my fears, but also turn them around. Instead of fearing for my future, I should embrace it as it comes. Nobody is rushing me to leave, and this new stage in life is only temporary - just like my high school years have been. In fact, if all goes well, it will be the exact same duration. By then I'll probably be worrying about the next chapter in my life, a bit like how I am now. It's scary because its unknown, like how everything is at first, so why turn down the opportunity to experience something that's came out of the hard work that was to lead me to this goal? I'm moving because it's going to bring me one step closer to my dream job. Surely what's happening now is something I should feel very happy about. Life may change, but those we love and those who love us will always be there for us. Distance and time doesn't matter.

I'm very grateful to everyone who has pushed and supported me so far. I couldn't have asked to be surrounded by anyone greater. I couldn't be here without you. Thank you.

"It's time to say goodbye, but I think goodbyes are sad and I'd much rather say hello. Hello to a new adventure." - Ernie Harwell

Hello again! I've got a couple of other posts half written but I found out today that I was very kindly nominated by Anne for a Liebster Award (or 'Lobster Award' as she likes to call it ahaha)! Thanks very much Anne for nominating me and if you haven't already, give her blog a read. :)

1. As a new blogger, how would you describe the welcome you received from the blogging community? 


Considering when I first started up my blAs explained in my previous blog post, the most recent answer is that I want to have a medium where I can record and look back on events, experiences, and thoughts that I have throughout life. I wanted to find a way for me to remember what is happening in the here and now so that it can remain as a memory instead of something I'll eventually forget.og, I had started with a few of my friends who also went into blogging, I think the welcome was very lovely and homely. It's always great to have your friends support and encouragement. ^^


2. What was it that made you want to start blogging? 

As explained in my previous blog post, the most recent answer is that I want to have a medium where I can record and look back on events, experiences, and thoughts that I have throughout life. I wanted to find a way for me to remember what is happening in the here and now so that it can remain as a memory instead of something I'll eventually forget.


3. Describe your favourite blogger(s) and why? 

Very honestly, I can't say I have any favourites yet as I'm still pretty new to the whole blogging thing and still have many blogs to discover. However I do enjoy the blogs that all of my friends have as they all have their own style which is great to see through the way they write and through what they write about.


4. Who is your biggest inspiration (not specific to blogging)?

Creative inspiration? Probably Melanie Martinez. I love her aesthetic and the imagery she uses in her songs and music videos. She's not afraid of being herself keeping true to that. Her style is fun and playful but she also puts a lot of meaning into what she creates and is never afraid to put herself out there. I admire that.


5. If you were to write a novel, what would it be about? 

I'd probably like to write a fantasy novel if anything. An alternate universe where I can immerse myself in the mythical and ethereal natures of that world whenever reality is getting a bit too much to handle. Not entirely sure of the plot though.


6. What is your biggest fear? Do you think you could ever overcome it?

Most recently I've figured that having absolutely no control over what happens in my life is terrifying. Probably that and when I think a lot about how fast time goes. Sadly I can't really overcome the first one, I just need to see how things play out. For the second, I suppose I just need to be more aware and appreciative of the present.

 
7. What are a few of your favourite things?

Sunshine, feeling excited, hugs, Once Upon A Time, music, sharing special and meaningful moments with people I care about.

 
8. Apart from blogging, what else are you up to these days?

Watching and playing Pokemon, singing...a LOT, volunteering at a youth club and hospital, having a laugh with friends and going on walks with my boyfriend. Oh, and studying...yeah...that's always fun.


9. Do you have any blogging aims? 

Not really? Just to enjoy blogging and having a place to record my thoughts.


10. What is the one thing you wish people knew about you? 

For some people, it would be that I'm not as stupid as I seem sometimes. For others, it would be that certain successes doesn't mean I know everything. I am not held to any expectations. I am me, and what happens to me is not a fate or pre-destined venture; it is the result of my efforts, and sometimes I'm allowed to mess up and feel upset too. I'm not a robot.


11. Have you ever been in love? 

To be honest, I cringe at talking about my feelings with this stuff, and I don't feel like I'm the best at expressing it, especially publicly. However, if being in love is what I think it is, then yeah I am.

That's about it! Now to nominate bloggers:

DawnSleeper - Rachel
Accidentally Plutonium - Charlotte
Don'tBurstMyBubble - Marianne
Faith, Love And Aspirations - Amber
The fifth nomination goes to anyone reading this with under 200 followers! Give it a go :)


These are the rules for anyone who gets nominated:

♡ Thank and link the blogger who nominated you
♡ Post an image of the award  on your page
♡ Answer the 11 questions that the blogger who nominated you has asked
♡ Link 5-11 blogs that have less than 200 followers
♡ Create 11 questions for them to answer
♡ Notify the blogs via their social media sites

1. What is your favourite thing about blogging and the blogging community?

2. What inspires you most when writing a blog post?

3. What has been the highlight of your 2016 so far?

4. When do you usually write your posts? Morning, afternoon, or night?

5. If you could repeat any moment of your life, what would you repeat and why?

6. If you could travel to anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?

7. If you could have dinner with any 3 people in the world, who would it be?

8. If you could go back in time and tell your younger self something they will always remember, what would you say?

9. Have you experienced heartbreak? Romantic and/or platonic?

10. What was your childhood career goal? Has it changed since then or remained the same?

11. Any favourite music artists? Or genres in general?






 

Long time no see.



After a long hiatus and a line of excuses as to why I've not been making blog posts, I've decided it's time to finally start consistent blogging (hopefully). Now this may not be every day, or every other day. I might not even manage once a week, but I'm going to certainly try as often as possible to create a thought bank again that I can hopefully look back on later in life and say, "oh, that was a thing".

Now I know I'm not the best writer and I'm certainly not the most creative in any way, but after a very emotional few weeks I've realised that all these events that I feel are important to me now will very soon become mere memories, and knowing how forgetful I can be, I might not remember them at all  eventually. In fact, I've often told myself since I was little "one day I won't remember that this day even happened". It took me a few free periods in school reminiscing with a primary school friend of things which happened when we were tiny (not that I'm much taller now), to realise how important these memories are to have. Everything which has happened before is a part of what has made us and although it may seem contradictory to a previous post about living in the present, sometimes it's good to just take a step back and just acknowledge our stories so far. A bit like my love for Friends - I've already watched the episodes, but no matter if I've watched an episode once or one hundred times, it still makes me happy and I still get a giggle from it - and memories can do the same.

Fair enough, some memories aren't always happy and sometimes we do wish we could just erase it from our lives (or at least forget it ever happened) but some day, we may be able to laugh from them, learn from them, or at least gather an appreciation for our circumstances now if they're no longer as bad as they used to be.

That's why I'm going to give it my best effort to start blogging again. I'm no longer going to hope that I remember things in the future, because I know I'll forget. I've tried and failed for years to retain my memories with no other aid, and so, without making things too personal (that's for my other goal to start writing diary entries) I'm going to try catching the moments of my life as they fall from the metaphorical willow I created for my blog name because it sounded nice.

Hopefully see you again soon (sort of).

Hello everybody!

As I'm sure most of you reading this are currently studying for exams, you are most likely very familiar with the frenzy and panic on the run up to your exam dates. For some reason, I have had quite a lot of people ask me "Nadine, how do you actually study? I don't know how to," so I thought that it would be a good idea to make a list of ways to actively study, along with some other hints and tips that are very important along the way. Some methods may work for you, and others may not. It's all about trial and error to find what works best, and change can be good! I can assure you, staring at your notes while your mind is focused on what you're having for dinner is possibly one of the most useless time investments, and time is everything. By the end of this post I hope you will have discovered the right study method for you that is both effective and enjoyable. Believe it or not, studying can be great fun!

1. Make healthy lifestyle choices.




Now I know you're probably thinking "this isn't what I was looking for when I came to this post" but bear with me! This is only just the beginning. To optimise the information that your brain soaks up, it needs to be in tip top condition. You find it difficult to do anything when you're feeling ill, right? Well so does your brain. I'm no Health & Well-being teacher, so I'll just get straight to the point. Here are a few ways of improving brain power :P

• Try to eat healthy food (most of the time): I won't blabber on about fruits and vegetables and so on, you know the score. HOWEVER two foods which are specifically good to help you to concentrate are oily fish and...chocolate. Possibly the best excuse to buy chocolate in my opinion.  
• Get enough sleep: sleep is VERY important when it comes to studying. If you don't get enough sleep, you're most probably going to forget that information you spent hours trying to cram into your brain. Sleeping allows you to soak in the days events without you needing to lift a finger!

• Exercise: Whether it just be a quick walk or a trip to the gym exercise is great when it comes to studying. You could use exercise as a study break if you enjoy it that much. You could even dance about in your room (I do that pretty much every day). Anything to get you feeling great and motivated. Last year I even made up dances to help me remember certain roles in the coal mines for my history exam! Probably one of the most enjoyable study periods yet. 
• Get yourself into a routine: easier said than done. Choose what time you are going to sleep and stick to it, along with what time you plan to wake up in the morning. Your body clock needs to know what is going on. It is also advised that you do not study any later than 11pm. That's one rule I love to abide by.

 2. Plan, plan, plan


In order to keep yourself in the right frame of mind, planning is everything. Know what subject you are going to study and when you are going to study it, as well as what you are going to do when you get the books out. It is also important to know when you are NOT going to be studying. Commitments, family events, dinner time, even times when you simply don't want to study for a while, these all need to be taken into consideration before making a study plan.

I know how difficult it can be to make up a study plan on your own. That is why getrevising is an amazing tool which does all the hard work for you! You just enter what subjects you are studying, when your exams are, what times you are willing to study, any commitments and it will do the rest for you. It even schedules your breaks!

3. Use colour, CAPITALS, italics, bold


Anything to catch your eye is bound to stick in your memory. A suggestion if you want to use colour is to colour code your notes. Give everything a meaning so that your brain is making more connections. The more connections, the more likely you are to remember the information.

4. Listen to music

Now, not everyone has the ability to listen to music and stay focused, but if you do, it can be useful. You could associate certain songs with particular topics, or maybe even listening to soothing pieces can help you concentrate and stay calm if you start to stress out.  




 

5. Other associations while studying

It could be as simple as wearing a certain perfume while studying, and then wearing that same perfume in the exam hall can really help to bring back knowledge that you may have forgotten in a panic. Again, it's all about enhancing the brain connections. Wearing a certain piece of jewellery, styling your hair a certain way in the morning, it all counts as little associations we can make.

6. Find a study method that you enjoy!


Here are a few different ways to study that are much more enjoyable than reading through notes.  

• Past papers: Probably the most obvious one. It's important do work through previous exam papers so that you know the way the questions are presented and also to test yourself. Looking at the marking scheme is good too! It gives you a better idea of what the exam board is looking for when they ask a certain question. This is probably the most important method to include in your study plan.
• Mind maps: The ultimate example of making connections. It allows you to organise your notes in a succinct way so that you are only using keywords yet you are able to retain so much information all on one page.
• Summaries: If you still want to read over notes, read a section (or as much as you can in 5-10 minutes) and then write a summary of everything you have just read in the fewest sentences possible. If you are unable to write a summary or missed out any important information, start over.
• Pictograms: Personally I find this a great way to remember quotes. Draw pictures that relate to the quote, definition, or point you need to remember to give yourself an image that will stick in the back of your mind.
• Powerpoints: Pretty straight forward. You can make a powerpoint about anything you want. Whether you want to make up a bank of definitions, quotes, or just rewrite your notes.
• Post-it notes: Use post-it notes to place information that you struggle to remember around you. You will tend to look at them without even realising it. It's sort of like writing information on your hand, but with a larger canvas and more locations.
• Posters: basically a large post it note. Have fun with it! Draw pictures, use lots of colour, even use some humour! Whatever floats your creativity boat.

• Teach others: Teaching your peers is a great way to consolidate your knowledge. If you know your stuff, you should be able to explain things to others with ease, and also remind yourself in the process as sometimes you may mention things that you would have otherwise forgotten about if left unsaid. If you struggle to explain, check over that area to refresh your memory and try explaining it again. You are more likely to put the information into your own words too as you won't be reading from a textbook. To be able to express in your own words implies that you understand what you are talking about, it hasn't just been rote learned. 

7. Ask others for help

Don't feel ashamed if you don't know something. If a teacher or friend explains something to you and you still don't understand, ask them to break it down for you further. The one who asks is a fool for a moment, the one who doesn't is a fool for a lifetime.

Aaaand that's all I have for you! Good luck with exams and feel free to ask me anything if you'd like, I don't bite. :)  P.S please ignore the random change in colour at certain sections...I don't know what's happened but I'm unable to change it back to normal.



 

The most important password to us isn't the one we use for Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Blogger, or any other networking site. It is the password we hold within ourselves that we aren't even aware of most of the time.
Trust is a very important aspect of companionship. We yearn to gain other people's trust but we can sometimes be very wary about giving out our own. There was a time when I thought that everyone was my friend. I was so willing to open up to people because all I wanted was to be able to confide in someone knowing that they cared. However, there is a fine line between people who care and people who are curious and this is was very much a blur to me. Without a password, I allowed everyone to enter and expected that everyone would be genuine enough not to abuse my automatic trust given to them, simply because they acknowledged my existence.

The sad truth is that life doesn't work that way. You meet people who only want to know about you so that they can gossip to someone else. You meet people who will take your kind heartedness for granted to use you for their own personal gain, then when you are in need yourself, they act like your superior and pretend that they were never grateful to you for anything so that they don't need to get their hands dirty. It can be a cruel, cruel world out there, and more often than not, people learn this the hard way. I know I did.

As a result of this, we tend to lock ourselves away for safe keeping. We can be so afraid of what other people think that we stop being ourselves. So much so, we need to build up our trust in others from scratch, and this time the process takes much longer. Sometimes we can even push the ones we should trust away, because we don't know what to believe any more. If someone wants to find the key to your trust, they're going to have to work pretty damn hard to get it.

However, some people can't quite comprehend why it is so difficult to decode and have access to someone's intimacy. It all depends on that person's previous experiences. For example: it's often difficult to accept compliments, because in the past they have been filled with sarcasm; or when I managed to achieve something that I never even imagined could happen to me, but then someone else spoke about my achievement to others with a bitter taste in their mouth and degraded all my efforts. It's not as if I sabotaged anyone else, I put blood sweat and tears into that goal and I wasn't even allowed the recognition for it.
Another example would be when I poured my heart out to my "best friend" at the time, and then later in class she blurted out everything I had ever trusted her with even when I begged her to stop. She didn't. Instead she just laughed and continued to proclaim my life story to the thirty kids in the class, who all turned around and actually listened to her. That was my breaking point. The one person I trusted had shattered our friendship in seconds with no sign of loss or remorse, and of course, the news spread. I had a lot of people approach me later on who had heard about me crying, and some decided to ask if I was OK. What appeared like the more important question posed however was what happened. Considering I never really spent time with the people who were constantly asking me, and it's not as if I didn't have a friend already with me who I could talk to, I figured that I was only being asked out of curiosity, and I refused to talk about it further. It was time for another password change.

Now although there can be hackers, and sometimes you need to reset your password, there can be very authentic people out there, and it is a beautiful sight and a wonderful experience to fall in trust with them. You just feel so connected to that person. From tears of joy to tears of devastation, they are there to share those moments with you and not judge you for them. The password exchange is a very gradual transition yet one of the most worthwhile ones. They don't spread your secrets (unless it is in your best interest to tell someone else), they accept your flaws, they revel in your best moments with you and actually have the ability to be happy for you, just as you would for them. In addition, give and take is equally balanced without the expectation of getting something in return, it is an act carried out purely by their kindness.

You know you've found a true friend when you give them the ability to log out, yet they choose to stay connected to your heart.

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"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present."

Lately I've been thinking. I've been thinking a lot about my future: exams, universities, jobs, relationships. Just how is life going to work out? What am I supposed to do to achieve all the things I want to achieve? I've been thinking so much about it that it's been stressing me out beyond my control. My mind is so overloaded with thoughts that it has stopped me from being able to react to the stress. My mind has simply gone numb. Life is full of so many unknowns and possibilities, how can we possibly process it all?

"So teach and tell me, teach and tell me, the way these things work out." - Unravel (Toyko Ghoul)

I get so worked up about it all. I start to panic about what will happen if I make certain life choices: what will happen with my close relationships at home if I move away to study? How will I cope in the future without my parents to guide me? How do I balance my life's schedule so that I have enough time to actually live? Just how on earth am I going to be able to make a living for myself?

"I hear a bird as it whispers in my ear
It says oh what a waste of time,
Look how you live your life,
Trying to show no fear." - Plugin Stereo (Y-O-Y)

It took some time to calm my thoughts, and I admit the thoughts still cross my mind at this important time of exams, but thanks to my friends and family they have given me the reassurance I need. It's OK to take a break. It's OK to stumble every once in a while. It's all just a part of being human.

We can't work like machinery all the time, that's not how we were designed. The lows of our lives are the reason we can appreciate the wondrous highs life has to offer. It is the overbearing bag of worries that makes us feel the elevating relief once everything has eventually fallen into place. A chapter in our life doesn't end until there is some form of resolution, and although the resolution may not seem like so at the time, the pages yet to be turned reveal that in the long run, it works out for the better. Not everything good for us is necessarily what we want at that moment.

That is why we should be thinking more about what is happening around us and start paying attention to the people around us. We may worry about eventually losing these people, but why should we be grieving when we have them right here? Shouldn't we instead be lapping up all the moments we have with them; making sure that we capture every pleasurable moment with them so that none of it escapes from our memory? We spend so much time dwelling on the thought of losing them that we actually miss the moments we have with them presently. It's a pretty ironic concept really, but personally I find it true. Of course we should think of the future, but to spend your life planning your life doesn't give any form of gratification. It only leads to expectation, anticipation, and more common than not, stress.

I feel like I've been trying to run before I can walk, and I've learned that it doesn't do any good whatsoever. Those around me have noticed it more than I have. So as a result of this, and in hope of unlocking a piece of self happiness, I'm going to stick to taking baby steps. To start off, I'm going to stop fretting over getting accepted into university and start focusing on what I need most importantly before I can even have a chance of getting considered for my desired course (medicine), which is my higher exams this year. My five exams are being counted as my five first steps and I'm planning on using this way of organising my thoughts in the long run. Maybe I'll even make a step list on my blog and update it as I go! 

As a final note, embrace the day to day thrills life brings, both exciting and exasperating. After all, both are only temporary.

Thank you for reading this, please feel free to comment what you think. Every read and response will be very much appreciated. :)